One thought-provoking quip from Bravo’s brilliant gay reality show Boy Meets Boy was “a gay boy usually has a lady friend that’s closer to him than anyone else.”Faghag, fagnet, or fruitfly has been in existence since the Renaissance era. Even Michelangelo – the second most influential gay man in western civilization, after Clay Aiken – had a hag. Her name was Vittoria Colonna. She’s a hag in true sense; providing Michelangelo with a companionship, ideas for his arts, and make-up tips.
In my case, I have two: Janette and Kate.
Janette is a hot, sassy, thirty-year old woman. We met because she’s dating my neighbor, Mike. Whenever she's in public, she’d turn heads. It’s an anthropological field-trip to observe salivating men checking out Janette as we walk together at a suburban mall. I can feel the remnant of simian genes in these men, urging them to bang their chests and swoop Janette up to the nearest cave.
Kate is a cute, sweet, girl-next-door blonde with enviable boobs. She just turned twenty-eight. As a grad student, she’s full of ideas and cerebral charm. While Janette and I talk about booties, Kate and I banter about the Myers Brigg’s profiles of our respective, potential husbands.
There are platonic attractions between us. One time Kate told me that she would seduce me if I were straight. She even said that she would have an affair with me if I were a married straight guy. I told her that it won't work because her plumbing is all wrong and her chest is too busty. She laughed; then this strong woman tickled me until I almost peed in my pants.
Let’s regress a bit. Why do gay men find consolation in straight chicks?
One posit talks about the similarity between gay men and straight women in taking a dick into a bodily orifice. But that theory was shot down by a total top friend who just celebrated his fifth anniversary with his hag. This brotha won’t take it anywhere. He’s the giver and the pitcher. Yet he has never gone to a single counseling session with his hag.
Another posit talks about the unwritten non-compete agreement between gay men and straight chicks. Just think about it: gay men and straight chicks target different market segments (gay vs straight men, respectively) but we offer the same products (gag-free beejers, kegel tease, and fabulous dinner parties). Any marketing strategist would know that such a situation would result in an alliance. Just look at United Airlines forming Star Alliance with a number of obscure foreign airliners.
After a while, I gave up micro-analyzing my comfortable relationships with Janette and Kate. The foundation of our relationships is neither our sexual similarities nor our marketing strategy. It’s because we share the same experiences of going crazy over a guy, being hurt by a boyfriend, and making the hard decision to let go an asshole with whom we’ve shared our mind, heart, and precious booty time.
